I promise not to ALWAYS write about my students, but...

I was finishing up A Wrinkle in Time by Madeleine L'engle tonight. It's one of my childhood, and grownup, favorite reads. Towards the end of the book, Meg has to go back by herself to rescue her baby brother, Charles Wallace. There are three "messengers" who have been helping them and they each give her a "gift" to help her be strong. One of them, Mrs Who, says:

"Listen, Meg. Listen well. The foolishness of God is wiser than men; and the weakness of God is stronger than men. For ye see your calling, brethren, how that not many wise men after the flesh, not many mighty, not many noble, are called, but God hath chosen the foolish things of the world to confound the wise; and God hath chosen the foolish things of the world to confound the things which are mighty. And base things of the world, and things which are despised, hath God chosen, yea, and things which are not, to bring to nought things that are." (By the way, this is from 1 Corinthians 1:26-28.)

When I read this, I thought, "YES! That's it! That's my students!" Maybe that doesn't make any sense to anyone else, but I felt it almost as a physical thing. It resonated.

My children, my little band of misfits, have already been removed from schools, from peers, from many of the "normal" childhood things. This may offend some people, but it's easy to even say that they have already failed at life, school, and childhood. (Not that I see my kids as failures, but it is easy to characterize them as such.) They have been removed from the "normal" kids because they are too dangerous or volatile or "difficult" to be around them. They get it. They understand. And these are not poor little innocent waifs who are being picked on by society. These kids are dangerous, volatile, and difficult. They know this, too.

Can you see it? Do you get it? Can you imagine for a moment what it is like to know this about yourself at the age of 11? 10? 9? 8? 7? 6? 5? Yes, 5. We have one kindergarten age student. He is dangerous enough that he comes with his own one-on-one parapro. How do you assimilate that as a child in a healthy way? I'm not sure it's even possible. I have kids who smell BAD. I have kids who are mentally ill. I have kids who are VERY intelligent, but who totally reject the world because they KNOW they are going to be rejected.

So, when I read the words, "And base things of the world, and things which are despised, hath God chosen, yea, and things which are not...", it rang inside me. I don't know how else to say it. Not to sound grandiose, I am no saint(!), but like God I choose those who have been debased and despised. I choose them because of their strength, their light, their joy in living. To go into that room everyday and to try to hold up a TRUE mirror to them, so that they can see themselves as they are. Not as the world tells them they are, twisted and unworthy. Not as some sugar coated, idealized version of who they are. But a true image of themselves, good parts and bad. And then I love them.

Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn't. But every day is a new reason to hope. And every child is a new cause to hope for. They are all beautiful to me.

Tory Hayden, New Years Eve, and My "Little Problem"

Years ago I read my first Tory Hayden book. She was my introduction to the world of E/BD Special Education. Through her books, I fell in love with those tough kids the rest of the school system had given up on. Her books never made it look easy, but I wanted it. When I found out about Rutland, I knew that I would teach there one day. I just never thought it would as a first year teacher.I knew that I would face some specific organizational challenges. I've always struggled with certain...well...see, when there are lots of...um, well...I can always get to that in a minute.
So, I was coping with school, but starting to burn out a little bit. Then, I had my first practicum and remembered why I was there. After that, the practicums were the highlight of everything. And there were no real issues with my, um, problem. Then, I started my student teaching experience.
Slowly, gradually, the problem reared it's ugly head. That's right. I had to cope with...um, see, it's...papers. You know, the dark side of teaching.I started teaching with really good intentions. I swear. But before long my desk was covered in them. They were everywhere. Hanging out of the kids desks. Stuffed into files in the cabinet. In heaps and stacks all over my desks, that's right, both of them.
O.k. Maybe that's a little bit melodramatic. But, it's no exaggeration that my administrator finally started making threats about my evaluations actually being damaged. Since then, I've been...well...sort of...hiding...the, um papers. It's been driving me NUTS.So, I decided that this vacation would be the perfect time to fix the problem. I brought home everything that wasn't already in a file to get it sorted.
So that's been my big project the last few days. Organizing the papers. And trying to figure out how to stay that way. I've also come to realize that there are some other things that I want to do better. So, I guess that's how this turns into a New Years Eve post. I'm determined to do better, to be the teacher I really want to be. I'm going to be the teacher I've wanted to be since I read "One Child".
There were lots of things Tory Hayden never talked about in her books. Some, because they weren't really an integral part of the story that she was relating. And some because they weren't things that she had to deal with then. Are those "improvements" for the better or worse? I don't always know. There are things that she had the...freedom, I guess?...to do that I don't. Everything that I do has to be justified either by the behavior modification system we use, the Georgia Performance Standards, or - most importantly - the child's IEP. If it's not found in one of those three places, I really can not justify doing it. So, that's a problem. Also, I am required to do a lot more than she was, which puts huge limits on my time. But these things, for now, are the reality of what I have to work with. I won't let them be my excuse for not achieving my goals.
Also, some of what I am now required to do probably is an improvement. I'm sure Torey would have done it better, but just give me a few years.
Miriam insists on getting me ready for my "photo shoot". Check out her faux leather pants! Love it!




P.S. I LOVE EGGNOG!!!!!!!!!!!!

What now?

This morning I looked at someone's blog. I had been avoiding looking at her blog...not because I didn't know I'd love it, but because I knew this would happen. I knew if I looked at her blog I would feel compelled to look at my old blog. :-P (By the way, her blog really is WONDERFUL. You should check it out at southerncomfortga.blogspot.com It's WAY better than mine.)

It wasn't exactly a surprise when I ended up writing a new post for my old blog. Then something horrible happened. There was something wrong with my blog! I ended up having to delete the entire thing and start all over again.

So here I am. What now? It's been a long time since I've done this.

Updates? O.k.

I graduated from college and I actually got a job! Woots!!!! I now teach at Rutland Academy. For those of you who don't know, Rutland is not technically a school. It's an "intervention". What's the difference? Well, we serve 13 different school districts as part of the special education "pyramid of interventions". We are at the very tip top. Our students are placed with us in the category of severe emotional/behavior disorders. Most schools have special education services in place for E/BD kids, but ours usually need something more intensive than what your typical school is equipped to provide. We serve kids in kindergarten through 12th grade. I teach 5th grade.

The usual question I get next is "why?" or else I get comments telling me how "patient" I am or whatever. All of that makes me feel REALLY uncomfortable. What if I told you there was no way on this green earth I could ever sit in an office, be a nurse, sell people insurance, or whatever it is that YOU spend your days doing? And what if I told you that "normal" kids irritate me to the point where I have a hard time being civil, much less a good teacher to them. I don't sound quite so saintly now, do I? I do what I do because it's what I'm SUPPOSED to do. I don't always enjoy it, but I do somehow manage to love it. I love my kids.

My students. I can't go into to much detail about them. Confidentiality and what not. But I do love them, all of them. I have 8 students, 7 boys and 1 girl. I deal with issues from schizophrenia to autism to rotten parenting. (I said I love my kids. I said nothing about the ones raising them.) Each one is unique in their strengths and weaknesses. Each one is precious. And no one has tried to stab me in about three weeks!!!! (O.k., so I've been on vacation for almost two weeks of that. Leave me my little celebrations!)

In other areas:
Miriam is in fifth grade. She is something else! Strong willed to a fault. Funny. Passionate. Smart!!!! I am terrified of the teen years. She is SUCH a drama queen! But she is also absolutely amazing. If we can all live through the next few years, she is becoming a truly extraordinary young woman.

Harley is in tenth grade. He is now over 6' tall. He loves boxing and is disgusted that I won't let him actually learn how. (Something about insisting on protecting his brain cells. You know - sissy, mom stuff.) He makes me so proud of him everyday. I love to see the young man he is becoming. He bore his testimony for the first time a couple of months ago at church. He WILLINGLY goes to seminary every morning. He is intelligent, funny, talented, loving, generous, and WONDERFUL!

John Ryan is back with his bio mom. At least we get to see him most weekends. We miss him when he isn't here, but enjoy those time we do have with him. He is so wonderful to both Harley and Miriam. We are truly blessed to have him in our lives. I am VERY proud of who he is and who he is trying to be.

Ryan is 19 now. He lives with two really wonderful friends. (It's nice to know he is with people I respect.) He is leaving before long with the job corp. He got into the advance automotive program. He will spend a year in North Carolina and a year in Utah. We are gonna miss him something fierce, but I am also VERY proud of him. This is kind of a scary thing to go do, but it's also a wonderful opportunity. They will teach him a trade and pay him as he is learning it as well as giving him room and board.

Chris is spending his time lately loving and taking care of me - full time! He lost his job back in November. It's been a struggle. (Seriously, they DO NOT pay teachers enough!) But I LOVE having him around all the time. He takes me to work and carries my stuff in for me. In the evening he reverses that by carrying my stuff to the car and driving me back home. He makes sure I have what I need - clean clothes, a pleasant home, tasty dinner - to be successful. We are still evaluating all of our options for him. He's been talking about going back to school. I'll support him in whatever he does, but I admit to loving things just as they are right now.

So that's where we are at the moment. We are we going from here? I'm not sure. But I can't wait to find out!!